Scientists announced today that smoking cannabis affects the brain in exactly the same way as schizophrenia. The drug disrupts the electrical signals in the brain making both smokers and schizophrenia sufferers paranoid and unable to distinguish fantasy from reality.
The discovery came after researchers used new scanning techniques to photograph the brains of schizophrenics and cannabis users, as well as a control group. These findings offer proof of what straight people everywhere have long suspected - that marijuana is the sole cause of all mental illness.
Dr. Mango Ashtray of New York´s Albert Einstein College of Medicine, told the Radiological Society of North America in Chicago "Finally we can prove beyond all doubt that so called "Reefer Madness" does exist. People who smoke cannabis will go insane and are liable to attack and attempt to eat any law-abiding citizen they spot while under the influence of this pernicious drug."
White House Drug Czar John P.P. Waltersmith backed this up saying "New research being conducted here and abroad illustrates that marijuana use, particularly during the teen years, can lead to depression, thoughts of suicide, and schizophrenia," he went on to say "Anyone caught using this drug will be forcibly drafted into the army, we´ll cut their hair off and make them listen to country music and shoot Arabs until they learn to behave like proper human beings."
In light of this new evidence the UK Government has rushed through new legislation which reclassifies marijuana as a Class A drug. People caught using the drug in the UK can now expect to be sectioned under the Mental Health Act until a psychiatrist is able to confirm they are sane enough to serve a 20 year jail term.
Following the explosion of a fuel depot at the Buncefield fuel terminal outside Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire, yesterday morning Blair appeared for a rushed press conference to announce that it was probably Al-Qaeda who did it.
"Once again terrorism has struck our shores," he said, "but this time it is much, much worse because it wasn´t the expendable British public who got blown up but our precious fuel reserves." As reporters clamoured for more comment, the visibly shaken Blair was led from the stage by his henchman Alistair Campbell.
The lack of evidence for this claim was duly noted by all and the Downing Street Press Office was bombarded with questions as to why Al-Qaeda would perpetrate such an attack and indeed why. Prime Ministerial Aide Janice Trolley explained "They´re terrorists; they just like to blow things up. I mean Jesus, what do you want....a signed confession or something?"
Documents released anonymously to the press today have revealed plans to construct a secret interrogation and detention facility in the small UK town of Lowestoft in Suffolk. Plans for the underground facility include one hundred state of the art torture booths, holding cells capable of housing the entire population of Scotland and a nine hole golf course so that the interrogators can relax after a hard days torturing.
Local residents are incensed at the plans but the Government has countered claiming that it will create at least 8,000 jobs and by housing the suspected terrorists of the world the UK will capture a number of expensive contracts boosting the economy to the tune of several billion pounds.
The facility is expected to be operational by the end of the year and the Department for Trade and Industry revealed that several high profile clients are already interested in locating their illegally held prison population there. Patricia Smith, DTI press liaison had this to say "In addition to catering for our own need to illegally imprison and torture suspected terrorists we are also in the process of negotiating a multi-billion pound contract with the CIA and there have been enquiries from as far a field as Indonesia and even outer space."
When pressed for details of this interest she claimed that representatives of the Emperor representing the Galactic Empire were keen to tour the facility with a view to sending rebel scum there. It is believed Darth Vader will hold talks with Tony Blair about the possibility on his whirlwind tour of earth next week.