Prime Minister Tony Blair went into hiding today amidst claims that he and President George Bush assaulted the President of France, Jack Chirac, at yesterday's conference on the rebuilding of Iraq. The alleged attack occurred minutes after the French premier gave a speech criticising American and British policy in the Middle East. During the five-minute speech he stated "The US with Britain as their lapdog think they can do whatever they like - it is our duty to challenge this."
It is claimed that just minutes after that speech, in one of the anterooms off the main conference hall, Tony Blair and George Bush cornered Jack Chirac and asked the others present to leave the room. Raised voices could be heard from inside and then Chirac began to scream for help. The security forces burst in to discover the Prime Minister dangling Chirac out of the fourth storey window by his ankles while President Bush laughed hysterically and shouted words of encouragement.
Prime Minister Blair disappeared from the building in the ensuing furore and his whereabouts have not yet been made public. French Vice-President was quoted as saying "President Chirac is at home and recovering from this dreadful and unforgivable incident with his family."
President George Bush later gave a press conference in which he suggested that France "might be supporting terrorism and harbouring known war criminals." When asked if he thought Blair had gone too far he replied "Hell no! Tony is a great guy and a friend of the American people." Questioned further he added "Shame we gotta cut him loose." At this point the Vice President, Dick Cheney, stepped in, cutting off Bush and apologising to France and her President unreservedly. He went further, distancing the US from Blair with the comment "Prime Minister Blair seems to be out of control, I think we all know that he is solely responsible for this situation."
An emergency session of parliament to discuss the issue has been scheduled for this afternoon. It is not yet known whether Prime Minister Blair will attend. The latest forgettable bald leader of the opposition has condemned Blair as "out of control". There are rumours he may be asked to step down and it assumed that Chancellor, Gordon Brown, would be asked to take over until a new vote could be held.
In the meantime Downing Street has released the following statement "The Prime Minister has been under a lot of pressure recently and his actions could be seen as inflammatory, however he only ever has the interest of the British people at heart and we must remember this. Let us also remember historically speaking we don't get on with France anyway."
Members of Blair´s cabinet have rallied round to support the under-fire PM, Geoff Hoon said "Oh come on, we all know the Frogs stabbed us in the back. It's time we paid them back." Jack Straw was quoted as saying "its about time someone put Chirac in his place." While Gordon Brown was overheard to comment "hahaha...hahaha."
While Blair is suffering heavy criticism from certain quarters at home he has become a hero in the states. Bush returned to a rapturous welcome from a crowd openly burning French flags and garlic. He gave a short speech commending Blair's bravery before being whisked off to the White House for a crisis meeting with the French Foreign Secretary. It is now rumoured Hollywood will make a film about the incident featuring Leonardo Di Caprio as Tony Blair.
Back in the UK there is anger and disbelief, but opinion on what the consequences of Blair's actions will be is divided. He has received support from some of the unlikeliest of sources, ex-Prime Minister Thatcher was quoted as saying "Tony has done the country proud, perhaps now we can break away from this wretched Europe place once and for all." In contrast Clare Short, who recently resigned from the government, had this to say, "This is all the proof we need that Blair is as bad if not worse than Saddam Hussein, he must be removed!"
We can expect several days of uncertainty as this crisis unfolds. The French have still to formulate a reaction, and despite the bizarre claims made by Bush regarding French harbouring of terrorists, this may signal an end to the 'special relationship' between the US and the UK.
Alistair Campbell was accused of "sexing up" government documents again today. There was general disapproval in the House of Commons, and even calls for his resignation, as the latest in a long line of scandals rocked the Labour government. Just a few weeks ago Campbell´s exaggeration of the threat posed by Iraq, led to claims he misled the public about the potential danger of an Iraqi attack in order to win support for war. Now he stands accused of producing more dubious evidence in order to support the government's dramatic crackdown on benefit fraudsters.
Glaring Campbell and Grinning Tony
In a report released today entitled "The Evil Scum" Campbell blamed everything that is wrong with Britain on benefit cheats. This was timed to coincide with Labour's new anti-benefit cheat task force. According to the cobbled together report benefit cheats cost taxpayers £60 billion a day and they still find time to "rob you and sell drugs to your kids." The report also claimed that benefit cheats "generally live in opulent palaces and surround themselves with gold statues."
The row erupted when Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy pointed out that the figures didn't add up. On further investigation it was discovered that the bulk of the report had been taken from a short story written by a retired army colonel just last year. An anonymous bald man on the opposition benches tried to defend Campbell, agreeing that the poor should be driven into the sea but the majority of MP's reacted with anger and vitriol.
Campbell has declined to comment so far and no-one other than the Tory leader has spoken out in his defense. It seems likely that the stormy political career of this former pornographer may be over.
There was shock today in the US as it was revealed that a four year-old boy was responsible for the recent gun attacks in Central Park, New York. News of the shootings broke yesterday but police remained quiet about the culprit. Apparently four year-old Tod Bunking was playing in the park with friends when he found an AK47 sitting on a park bench. Three men returning from lunch spotted the boy and tried to wrestle the gun away from him but he opened fire and killed them all.
Bunking remains in custody as the authorities try to decide what to do with him, President Bush has already suggested the child be sent to Texas for trial so he can be given the electric chair. Police Chief Warring was questioned earlier about how the child got the gun and said "We believe the gun was left behind by an Al-Qeada terrorist". When pressed further about what an Al-Qeada terrorist would be doing there Warring suggested "...maybe he was on holiday admiring his handiwork".
The pro-gun lobby was immediately out in force to block any curtailment of their right to carry arms. Charlton Heston claimed "This is nothing to do with the guns, that four year-old was probably always going to be a murderer, if hadn't been a gun he would have used a pointy stick".
A recent scientific study conducted by a UN research group, in the South of the United States of America, has revealed that rednecks do indeed marry their sisters and kill outsiders to fulfil their warped cannibalistic needs. The study had hoped to prove that all stereotyping was wrong and has become an outdated way of thinking. However within 24 hours of arriving in Little Creek, Texas Bob McCombe, the Chair of the research group, was brutally raped, murdered and eaten by a gang of hillbillies. Only two of the ten-man team escaped with their lives after a horrendous ordeal lasting two weeks. Both survivors are said to have suffered serious mental trauma and can only communicate by squealing like a pig.