End Evil News 4
Saddam Soils Himself
Hussein Caught in a Hole

The highly trained, fearsome US troops have pulled off their ultimate operation in Iraq. They cornered an old man in a hole who immediately surrendered. The yellow bellied Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein didn´t even have the guts to go out in a blaze of glory, instead giving himself up without firing a shot.

President Bush said "This is a proud day which proves I´m right, we got our man, and not only that, I´m confident that when we shave off his beard we will also find the weapons of mass destruction we´ve been looking for."

Beardy Saddam

The bedraggled and ruined Saddam was found hiding under the rock he originally crawled out from. US troops conducted a lightning raid, eliminating his defences and taking the troublemaking Iraqi into custody. Saddam will now be given a taste of his own medicine. It is thought he will be tortured thoroughly before attending a televised show trial which will end with his execution. Tickets for the execution go on sale from Monday.

All hostilities will now cease and the Iraqi's will rejoice in their new found freedom. It is expected that statues of Bush and Blair will be erected and the rebuilding program can begin, starting with some much needed fast food outlets and a host of awful cable television. Within two years Iraq will have been accepted into the new world earning the right to give away all their resources and provide cheap labour for multinational companies.

Bush Wins Election
President Bush made a speech at the Whitehouse today accepting the position of President for a second term. In an unprecedented move the US premier was able to affirm his victory before a single vote has been cast. Mr Bush said "We have conducted a great deal of research into this and found out that if I say I have won before the votes are counted then we don´t really need to bother with the election saving the taxpayers millions of dollars."

Bush declares

It is believed this is a development of the Bush strategy at the last election where he allowed some of the votes to be counted then declared himself the winner before it could be confirmed that he wasn´t. This time around he is cutting straight to the chase and it seems there is no one willing to challenge him.

Prime Minister Blair was the first to congratulate the returning President with a nice cuddle just after his speech. We attempted to contact the Democrat opponent for his opinion but were unable to find one. A recent US poll revealed that 62% of Americans believe that President Bush should grow a moustache.

EU Handbags at Dawn
EU
The latest EU summit has collapsed in a big brawl which has put the very existence of the union at threat. The meeting involved all the top European leaders and was intended to signal the bright new beginning of a potential superpower to rival the US. After an uneventful first day there was real hope that agreement could be reached and the union could advance to the next stage.

The second day of the summit started brightly enough but after a boozy lunch old grudges came to bear and before long the meeting room had degenerated into a war zone. A group of leaders from the continent led by President Chirac of France cornered the British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, and beat him senseless.

Onlookers were amazed at the scenes as some of the most powerful men in Europe came crashing through the front window of the conference centre and others rampaged inside with their ties wrapped round their heads brandishing table legs and scissors.

Blair received a last minute reprieve when President Bush of the US intervened and teleported him out of danger using the latest in US military technology. This could signal the end of peace in Europe and seems likely to have ended any chance of success for the ill-fated union.