End Evil News 5
Bush Claims Link Between Al´Qaeda and Nazi Party
President Bush appeared in a press conference at the Whitehouse today to release new evidence that suggests a link between the Nazi Party and the terrorist organisation Al´Qaeda. Apparently Osama Bin Laden met with the leader of the Nazi Party, Adolf Hitler, in Berlin as early as 1935 and the two began making evil plans to ruin America. Bush reminded us all that "If it wasn´t for my timely intervention in the shape of war then we would all be Nazi Arabs working as slaves down a diamond mine today."

Bush speaking today

Reporters clamoured to question the President on this new revelation but he refused to be drawn on the details. The dossier of evidence which was handed over to all the main news channels and papers merely contained a hand drawn picture of Osama Bin Laden in a German bunker drinking tea with a figure who was unmistakably Hitler. Bush claimed the picture was drawn by an eye witness who barely escaped with his life. Al´Qaeda were quick to deny any links this morning but Hitler was unavailable for comment.

Wimbledon Cancelled because it´s Boring
In an unprecedented move today the annual tennis championship Wimbledon was cancelled because no-one turned up to watch. Amazingly not one of the 40,000 tickets on offer was sold and organisers had no choice but to cancel the tournament. A spokesman had this to say "We are very disappointed in the low levels of interest in this years Wimbledon tournament and had no choice but to postpone the event."

An empty Wimbledon today

Speculation about the reasons for this lack of interest have centred around the tedious and yawn inducing British number one Tim Henman. The odious little bastard has been held directly responsible for destroying the popularity of tennis in the UK after every person in the country admitted that they´d rather chew their own feet off than have to watch him clench his fist again.

Wimbledon organisers are believed to be responsible for an advert placed in the Sunday Times last week offering a £20,000 reward to anyone willing to kill Henman. London Police Chief David Humber was quoted as saying "We would normally take a dim view of this type of thing but in his case I´m willing to turn a blind eye." Amateur killers are expected to take to the streets in their droves this weekend to hunt the top tennis star and Endemol are intending to film the event as a follow up to Channel 4´s Big Brother.

Beckham to be Burned At Stake
David Beckham the famous English footballer is to be burned at the stake in London as England failed to qualify for the latter rounds of yet another major tournament. Portugal overcame the English after a penalty shootout in which Beckham embarrassingly blasted the ball over the bar denying England their obvious right to claim the European Champions trophy.

The burning will take place in Trafalgar Square at 6pm on Saturday and interested people are advised to arrive early if they expect to get a glimpse of the ceremony. Proceedings will kick off with a public flogging of the England manager Sven Goran Erikkson and build up towards the burning of Beckham and a huge fireworks display. His wife Victoria is expected to attend.

Blair Bored of Voters
A bored Blair Prime Minister Tony Blair released a statement from Downing Street today stating that he was "bored of voters." It went on to explain that the Prime Minister felt he really didn´t have to explain himself to anyone and that everyone could just "piss off."
Sources close to the PM suggested that this had been coming for a long time and Mr Blair was well within his rights to completely ignore every man, woman and child in the country if he felt like it. Mr Blair´s childhood lover, Peter Mandelson, had this to say "The ordinary peasants of Britain have always been too demanding and it´s about time they realised that Tony doesn´t have to listen to them. He´s the Prime Minister for god´s sake he can do what he likes, frankly they are lucky he doesn´t just push the button and put a stop to their whining once and for all."