This is wordwaymike
Reporter/Janitor U.S. News and World Retorts
This is part two of my searing, and quite possibly true interpretation of a bunch of random numbered encrypted White House e-mails. E-mails that this reporter/janitor obtained in the bizzare fashion that I outlined in my first post; "President Bush is a member of a secret cabal. The Illuminutty."
Over the last two weeks this reporter/janitor has been working feverishly to ascertain just exactly where my son Cronk (short for Cronkite) has stashed the latest batch of these deciphered e-mails.
Which were the back and forth, almost daily correspondence of senior White House personnel. Who along with a much younger Bush, had also recieved their graduate and post graduate training in the field of; New World Order-Maniacal Mayhem, at Torquemada University.
Where" Men are men. And sheep are dirty rotten lying little tramps. And therefore have no rights to counsel, or access to the courts under Habeus Corpus protections.
Initially, I was hoping that my son had deciphered more of the encrypted e-mails, that would have shed light on the fascinating doings of one particular Illuminutty member, Condoleeza Rice.
But now I fear greatly that this is exactly what has wrought this strange transformation in my son's behavior.
Condoleeza Rice. The U.S. Secratary of State, for the Bush Administration. Known by fellow Illuminutty members as the; Illumi-Hottie!; Illumi-Naughty! Butter-Milked-Biscuit. Spungetta. And; Countess-Chocula. Just to name a few.
But, if my son has run accross these specific e-mails as of this date, and has already managed to glean from them more information about the one member of this "crazier than a shit house rat" cabal that seems to be the; "Power behind the Bone," I mean; "Throne" of the Illuminutty.
He has grown as diabollicly crafty at keeping things hidden that he doesn't want to share with his dear old Dad, I mean, share with the world, as the black-hearted individuals who have sold their souls, or at the very least, have leased their souls to Demons from the seventh Hub of Hell, for 99 eons. (With an option to re-lease for 99 more.)
I am almost positive that he has uncovered more information on Ms. Rice as it has become almost impossible to get that little horn-dog out of the bathroom!
I fear that he has fully decoded Countess Chocula's, I mean, Condoleeza Rice's dissertation on; "World Domination Achieved." Which, if you remember was titled;
"With just my one set of firm, female hips,
I could have 10,000 ships,
All the way to World Domination!
Queen Bee style!"
What has brought me to the belief that this is so is that every moment that Cronk isn't; "Busy as a Bee" in the bathroom, he is locked in his room, with both his PlayStation 3 running, and his computer downloading information from the internet.
During his last "sabbatical" to the bathroom, I was able to "jimmy" the lock on my sons bedroom door, and I noticed that all of his internet informational print-outs dealt with the "Hive structure" intricacies of the Africanized/Americanized "Natural Born Killer Bees."
I fear that the allure of getting some "strange" that is so far beyond the pale of what that school-boy, soldier, sailor, candal-stick maker, euphemism use to imply, coupled with the raging hormonal imbalances that all boys that age are subject to, has created, fantasies, and appetites that no National Geographic photo spread of young nubile indigenous ladies will ever be able to compete with!
But I digress!
While in my son's room, I did run accross several deciphered White House e-mails that would suggest that President Bush, mentally speaking, is one of the dimmer bulbs in his father's; "Thousand points of light."
It appears that several e-mails, from Nigerian Internet scammers have made their way pass the presidential security measures that one would assume, and hoped, would have been in place.
Stranger still, it would seem that President Bush BELIEVES that these blatantly unambiguous fantasy offers of "abandoned account" riches are not the work of illiterate, larcenous, Nigerian hooligans.
It is evident from reading the excited e-mail that Bush sent to Vice-President, Dick "let's go hunting" Cheney, soon after recieving these scam e-mails, that President Bush is convinced that these "offers" are rock solid, true.
Below, is the Bush/Cheney e-mail that can leave no one, after reading it, with any other conclusion other than President Bush is indeed; "crazier than a shit-house rat."
FROM: The Decider in Chief
TO: The Vice-Decider
Hey there you old Dick!
I couldn't wait till I see you this weekend at the "Chili Willie Texas Cook-off/Shoot-out" that Laura and myself are throwing at the ranch in Crawford. The soirree will be MC'd by that old reprobate friend of mine Shabby Hayes.
As you know, he is the illegitimate son of Gabby Hayes. Don't you believe those spurious rumors that he is really the illicit offspring of Box-Car Willie, and a catamount. That there catamount was Gabby's private little slice of "wild tail." As anyone who follows the geneology of such things would be able to ascertain just by noting the similarities in Mama Cat's, and Shabby's chin whiskers.
I know that I can count on you to be there. I bet that both your your chili, and your six guns will be blazing hot! You old son of a who...
But I almost forgot why I am doing the old "hunt and peck" at ya in the first place!
In the last two weeks I have recieved five internet offers. Each one was from an individual that desired to make me the recipient of a bodaciously huge sum of cash. Three of these offers were from various Nigerian bank employees. Men with larceny in their hearts. Who were looking for the same among folks in the good old USA.
Them fellas sure enough found the right tree to go barking up.
Starting with; Dr. Ramadan Abdu. Who is, or was until recently, (I'll get to that part in a minute) the; "bill and exchange manager" of the; "African Development Bank." Dr. Ramadan Abdu is; "Trusting to hear from you. (me) immediately." As he has "found" a 30 million dollar account that was abandoned! All of which is in good old American, greenback, legal tender denominations!
Dick, it gets better! This truck-load of cash was just laying around somewhere in, or near the bank's; "bill and exchange" department. A pile of dead presidents that was just begging to be given to some stranger. For a mere 40 percent of the "out of coutry" take. (He sounded pretty damn desperate, so I'm thinking that I can wear him down until he agrees to 25 percent.)
I was still chewing the fat off of this here tasty offer when I get another e-mail offer from the Nigerian B of A! No, it wasn't the "Bank of America," which was what I thought it was at first, but the; "Bank of Africa!"
Which to my way of thinking, (and I'll do my best someday to try and explain to you exactly how that process works) is a lot better than just "The Bank of Nigeria."
I mean, for Chrise sakes Dick, this is the Bank for the whole damn African continent!
Mr. George Williams, the; "bill and exchange manager" of; "B of A" had located another COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ACCOUNT! containing the; "abandoned sum of 30 million U.S. dollars" that he wants to hook me up with! Now my mind is chewing on two huge meaty, fatty, tasty, greasy, gobs of some kind of; "African roadkill surprise." And two of such is a feast for any man's mind to masticate his way through.
When; KA-BOOM! The Hat Trick; "Mother of all internet offers of outrageous finacial fortunes, that are yours for the taking," arrives in my inbox. A Mr. Ellis Lee, who also works at the African Development Bank. And is also the; "bill and exchange manager" there, had an; "offer" for me.
Which made me wonder if Dr. Ramadan Abdu was caught doing the "Nigerian two step" with the 30 million dollar account that he was going to send my way. Leaving an opening in the; "bill and exchange department," that Mr. Lee had the good fortune to be assigned to.
I use the term; "good fortune" because Mr.Lee no sooner has the job, title, and access to the banks; "letters of account" and WHAMO! He roots out another 11 million dollar abandoned account!
Like one of those truffle sniffing porkers from France that ferrets out those tasty fungi!
Obviously, Mr. Lee was plugged into the same mysterious; "mumbo jumbo, chili gumbo, whodoo, voodoo, hey you, who gnu?" energies that seem to be highly concentrated in, or around the; "bill and exchange" departments of Nigerian banking institutions.
The cosmic synergies that are a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, and covered with a spicy chipolte sauce, once again conjured up my name as the person that all these millions sitting in abandoned Nigerian bank accounts should be sent to.
Can it any longer be denied, (with a straight face) that; "God has my back?"
I must be sucking all the luck out of the known universe for two complete strangers, that are both from Nigeria, who have both; "located; run accross; discovered; and or; became aware of" two entirely different abandoned accounts that had 30 million in US buckaroos in them.
And then have another Nigerian in the know, toss towards my mind's already full hands and mouth, another 11 million dollar gob of meaty, chewy, greasy, fatty, rib of roadkill. Right off the grill.
That's 71 million Dick! The Trifecta of internet offers of robber baron type wealth! I can finally get that 21 foot long, fiberglass bass boat! (And an extra set of oars!)
What are the odds! Never mind. I don't want to cheapen the magic of this moment with sound mathmatics, or basic applications of logic and reason!
Even more amazing, all three of these fine upstanding, hardworking bank employees with larceny coursing through their veins, have picked me to be the recipient of their grossly mispelled offer!
Choosing me, I am sure in some cosmic coniption fit connection, a la; "bury the chicken bone, kismet, whodoo, juju, coo coo ca choo Mrs. Robinson" mannner that us; "Westerners" will never understand. It's one of those beautiful, inscrutable, imuteable, lootable, not suitable for children, or anyone else who isn't suffering from the last stages of alzheimers type offers. One of those cosmic mysteries that occassionaly work there way up under the skin of a person's reality.
Usually to lay their innumerable in number eggs. That in a few short weeks will hatch into a hellish legion of voraciously hungry something or others. That will then perform upon your body the insectile equivalant of Shermans; "scorch and burn" march on Atlanta. Which if you remember, was during the; "Civil," but none the less, quite deadly; "War."
But not this time! No way Jose!
I figure that at least one, and possibly two of these offers have the potential of an exponential to the tenth power payout. But as you can see, with both of my mental hands, as well as my mind's mouth, full to the choking point with; "Fresh from the grill, Nigerian Roadkill Riches" I'm in need of a little help.
I could use your finely honed, and razor sharp analytical bonafides as concerns this matter. To help me navigate the byzantine intricacies of counter-scamming a Nigerian internet scammer. Not that I think that this is a real possibility, in these three particular instances. But I didn't fall off of a turnip truck. Let alone last night. It was a rutabaga truck. And that was years ago.
Get back to me on this one Dick. I think we've finally latched onto a real live opiated pipe dream!
I will tell you later about the two; "notifications" that I recieved from the; "Irish Sweepstakes" - Claims Department.
You won't believe how much I have won!***************************************
Next week: Part three of my expose of White House/Illuminutty shennannigans.
President Bush's late night, highly erotic e-mail to a mystery person with the username of; "Fuzzy Bunny Slippers!
Which I have code-named; "Excitable Boy."
As always, this report was filed from the synaptic "No fly zone" of wordwaymike.